I am an old f**t and I have been using your phones for a long time.I have kept the same one for a long time and it works just fine.It has a really easy display with those little dots that make up the numbers and I like that.It is even easy for me to find the numbers of all my old f**t friends in my numbers lists.I think you young fellas call that an address book.I don’t know why because it doesn’t have addresses.
I use my phone a lot.I call all my old f**t friends and we meet up at Tim’s for coffee and maybe a timbit or two and we talk for hours about a lot of things.These are things that are important to us.Things like who is going to get a hip replaced or who has a funeral to go to.We talk about our doctors and about fishing.These are meaningful conversations; well to us anyway.The good thing about all this is that if someone gets sick we can call one another and go give a hand to the family or just visit in the hospital.Of course they don’t always let us bring timbits but that is okay too.They aren’t as important as our friendships.So you are probably thinking all this is terribly boring and what is the point of the letter?As I said we are old f**ts and we have old f**t problems.
Our memories aren’t as good as they used to be and neither is our eyesight.Eye to hand coordination can be a real problem sometimes, especially before we get our morning double-double.Old Fred though, he says they should just give him the grounds and a spoon.He calls it Columbian porridge.That is another thing we have to work on, staying on track in a conversation.
Well the problem is this.The cellular telephone company told us we needed to buy new phones.We really didn’t see the need because our old ones worked just fine but they said that they wouldn’t work anymore after a couple of months.Something to do with their phone system not our phones mind you.I wanted to know if we could just get them tuned up but they said no we had to get new ones. So one afternoon we were sitting in Tim’s and going over all the advertising for these new phones we were going to have to buy but then old Fred said “We don’t have to buy them they will give us that one for free.”and he pointed to one of the ones on the sheet.“And see, it even has a camera in it.”
Well that just did it right there.A camera in the phone; no way Fred could give us anymore fish stories.So we all ordered the new ones.Well the new phones all arrived last week.We should have known there was going to be trouble as soon as we opened up the box.It had this thing called a SIM card.Fred thought it was a SIN card; his hearing isn't so good anymore.Well it took a while but we got them in, then charged up the phones just like the instructions said.That was when the real problems started.
Harvey picked up the instruction manual and it had over a hundred pages.Now, what kind of phone needs a hundred pages of instruction?As for me, I had to use a magnifying glass to read it because the print was so small.I gave up.So we went to Tim’s without calling one another.Then Jack said he could get his grandson to come and help us figure these things out.I guess that is because he is young and used to all this stuff.
So next day young Tim who has nothing to do with the coffee shop came out to help us figure out thesenew phones.First thing he did was tell us how to get to our address book.As I said, my eyes aren’t what they used to be so I kept hitting the wrong buttons, not that they were easy to begin with because they are so small; but I managed.Jack, he wanted to know where to put the addresses.Tim said it is just called an address book but it isn't really.So why call it an address book?
It took a while and we got each others phone numbers and names in the phones.Then Tim showed us how to take pictures with it and we took one another’s picture then he went and put it with the phone numbers so that if Fred called me, his picture would appear.I don’t know why I need his picture when he calls me but maybe it is a good reminder for a bad memory.
So after a couple of hours we were all set, or so we thought.I just wanted to know how to get the pictures printed.Tim said I needed a cable to hook up to the computer.
Well that is just fine except I don’t have a computer.What do I need one of those things for?I can balance my checkbook just fine without it.Harvey has one though so he wanted to go buy a cable.Why it wasn’t included I don’t know.The problem is, we have to buy it from you; we can't just go to Canadian Tire or even a computer store and get it.
Well next day we tried using them only no one could remember how to call so we had to use the phones at home.Now what good is a phone that needs a hundred pages of instruction to make a call?I guess you can see where I am going with this by now.So here is what we want.
We want old f**t phones.They should be real simple to use, you know just be able to make a call.We don’t need internet or games or text messaging (whatever that is) or colour displays we can't see in the out of doors.I have to say though that the camera is a neat thing.You could even paint them silver so they are different from everyone else’s.I think that would be a good selling point.You could call it “The Silver Edition” and you know it would be special without all that useless stuff none of us needs or wants.And you know for the real prestige phone you could do a Gold Edition that has large buttons and a display for people like me that can't read 4 point type.